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Changes Everything?
On a sports forum, of all places, the issue of marriage came up, since two of the regulars there are getting married on the same weekend as the NFL draft. One of the the married guys on the board commented that, even if you've lived together first, "marriage changes everything." It's a pretty common expression, in fact, and though I'm obviously coming from the wrong side of the nuptials to really know what the heck I'm talking about here, I don't buy it. At least one of my married friends has backed up my instinct, but that's not a lot against the weight of common wisdom.
So I did what any young man of my generation seeking sage advice would do: I googled "marriage changes everything." The top hit (which is obviously to say, the sagest of advice) was this column, which claims, among other things, that 85% of couples who live together before marriage end up divorced, "much higher than for couples who have not lived together prior to marriage." The good doctor's basic argument is this: people live together to test out their compatibility; he likens it to a month-to-month lease, in which each partner is basically committed to the relationship but ready to bolt if it doesn't "work out." His explanation is that they carry this basic mindset forward into the marriage, remaining ready to end it when the going gets rough. He doesn't really explain what marriage changes--in fact, it seems like the problem from his perspective is that it doesn't change the basic mindset of the people involved.
At any rate, I'm not terribly concerned. I don't think either of us really viewed living together as "trying things out," exactly. Sure, I figured that if there were hidden incompatibilities, living together would probably reveal them, but by the time we moved in together we were already engaged. We could have gotten married around the same time we moved in together, but we wanted more time to plan the wedding and give friends and family time sufficient notice. Although I know Lauren especially looks forward to the wedding and wants it to be perfect and all that, I don't think we really attach all that much importance to the wedding itself. We're not having a religious ceremony because we don't believe God has anything to do with it, so it's not a significant event in that sense. The wedding is a declaration of our intentions before a bunch of people we care about, a celebration with those same people, and a piece of paper filed at the courthouse. I'm sure it will be a nice event and all, but from an emotional perspective we're already married. We're planning our future together.
So I can't imagine what marriage is going to change, other than the way one of the fingers on my left hand is going to feel carrying around a few extra ounces all the time. I could be wrong but, as usual, I doubt it.
Your thoughts are, as always, most welcome.