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Something’s rotten with Islam
Okay, whatever you think that title means, you’re probably wrong. Unless you thought it was an attention-getter. And yet, it’s also something like true. Last night we had our end-of-the-year dorm party. We had 300 wings from a local wing place (Dino’s in Latrobe, home of Rolling Rock), but of course my Muslim boys couldn’t eat them. Therefore, I bought a bunch of fresh fish and grilled it on my George Foreman grill. Now, I can accept that the boys were a little less than appreciative (One minute after I’ve said I’m cooking it, they ask “Where’s the stuff for us? You’d better hurry because I’m really hungry.” Grrrr.). I can even accept that they weren’t that hungry and only ate about half of the mound of fish I prepared (over a hot stove, on a hot day, with no thoughts but my love for them). What I can’t accept is that my apartment smells like Lake Erie. Now, granted that cities around Lake Erie have taken some measures to reform the lake’s murky image, it's still true that no one’s making a mint selling Erie-scented air fresheners.
I don’t know, maybe “Fish Bazaar Fresh” is all the rage in Medina households, but it just won’t do in my apartment. I’ve tried everything. Five brand-name cleaners, three homespun remedies. I even took the drastic action of actually cleaning my kitchen. The best I’ve managed so far is to have a fish smell with an undercurrent of soothing, Christmas-y spices.
And so, I blame Islam for the rotten smell in my apartment. Maybe this is a punishment upon an infidel worked by the divine. I don't know. I thought I was doing a good thing here. I always like to keep Allah happy by being nice to His followers. For that matter, I try to appease Apollo by appreciating the sun (yeah warmth! yeah photosynthesis!) and poetry, Aphrodite by appreciating beautiful women, and I tip a few back for Dionysus whenever I can. The more gods you have on your side, the better, I say, and particularly considering how many followers He has, Allah is high on my list.
But what’s the deal with this fish thing, anyway? I understand that Muslims have strict dietary rules—absolutely no pork, even if you do need the strength to do Allah’s will, and none of the other meats unless they’ve been properly slaughtered with all the necessary rites. Fair enough. But why does fish get this special pass? Why is it okay to eat a fish that was caught, gutted, scaled, and filleted by an infidel, but not a cow or chicken that’s been similarly treated?
I asked one of my Muslim students and his response was, more or less, “I think the Q’uran says that’s what we’re supposed to do.” Would any of the other Muslim students here know? “Probably not.” Fair enough. Hey, it’s good to see one thing runs across cultures: students of all ages, even when fairly devout, typically know very little about even their own religion (to say nothing of anyone else’s).
And for that matter, this strange thing about fish extends to Christians as well—Catholics in particular. “No meat on Fridays during Lent,” they say. But fish isn’t a meat, at least not exactly. It’s apparently a protein-rich, mobile form of seaweed. Or, at any rate, those fish are so damn strange when compared to the good god-fearing, land-bound mammals that we typically eat, that it’s okay to slaughter them and eat them even on Lenten Fridays.
And to be honest, there’s nothing particularly religious about this fishcrimination. I’ve actually heard people say “I’m a vegetarian. But I eat fish.” Now, I’m not claiming this person speaks for all vegetarians—I don’t even think she speaks for all poor-thinking vegetarians—but clearly the fish has a special place in the collective psyche of our world. There’s even literature: doesn’t Orwell write in Animal Farm “Two legs bad, four legs good, no legs incomprehensible”?
Back to Islam, however. After all, I'm enduring this pungent maritime odor for my Muslim students. I think two days of this smell (and however many more follow before I get this exorcised) ought to earn me a few beautiful virgins in Paradise. Or even some impure women--which might actually be better.... Anyone know what the going rate is on suffering-but-not-actually-dying-for-Allah?