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Spring brings new pets!
Over the weekend, as I mentioned, I planted some seeds, including onion seeds. Now, as it happens, I had leftover onion seeds which I left sitting on my table. They're tiny black little things that bear quite a resemblance to mouse turds. And, apparently, by some voodoo assiciated with these seeds, I managed to invite a mouse into my home.
Now, I've said many times that I'd rather like to have a pet. This isn't quite what I meant. Not by a long shot. Intern doesn't want the flying-gigantic-cockroaches in his apartment, and I don't want this fellow either. While sitting at my computer in my living room, I heard a little something something and when I moved to investigate, a furry little brown thing ran out from behind the entertainment center and into the next room. I swore a few times and made a mental note to do something about my house guest.
A few minutes later, I heard a similar scrabbling around, and again the mouse ran into the next room. Into the closet, most likely. I swore a bit more animatedly and decided to do something about the critter. But first, I had to get dressed for a tennis match. So I went toward my bedroom and a little brown thing flashed past me and into the room. I swore quite fiercely, jumped around in what must have been a "go away mouse" dance, and decided that I would not be wearing any of the clothes on my floor....
As I completed my dance and pondered whether I really needed to change clothes at all, the little dude come rushing past me and scampers into my kitchen. I swear myself hoarse and vow that this living arrangement will not continue. Now, the only question is how I should go about this....
If we could meet, man to rodent, and discuss our differences rationally, I'm sure that we could come to a mutually beneficial solution. For instance, I suspect that my mousy little resident would see that it was in both of our best interests if he got the hell out of my house before I kill him.
Because, yeah, it's going to be like that. I don't have a cat who can hunt this little vermin down and do my dirty work so that I can sleep nights without this critter's blood on my hands (so to speak). I don't have a cat and, as tempting as it might be, I don't think I'll get a cat just to deal with one mouse. Or family of mice. Whatever. And I doubt I'll use any of that catch-and-release stuff either. Sure it's humane, but if you're too nice to the little bastards, they'll just come back. Cats and dogs do it all the time: what evidence is there than mice are any better about these sorts of things.
No, clearly I'm going to have to get a shotgun and blast the shit out of this little dude. Nothing else will suffice. There may be some "collateral damage" including my personal belongings and neighborhood children, but hey, we've got to shock and awe this little fucker to make sure none of his ratty little friends get any ideas of coming in here. Besides, I have renter's insurance, and I'm sure they'll cover my use of overwhelming force, right?
P.S. The writing of this entry was interrupted by me chasing Mickey around with a broom and yelling things like "Come on out, you little turd-eater! I'm going to seriously fuck your shit up! Come on, let's settle this!!" Lacking sufficient machismo, the mouse remained in hiding, and I have to go to my tennis match now.